whats the difference?

So much info to read about suicide now with Robin William's death.   I read what Robin says about depression before he left us and u read now what others who knew him say.   Well I have suicide history in my family and it came upon me 10 years ago.  Graham my eldest son committed suicide and he was 18 years old.    He was seriously depressed but didn't hang on as long as Robin Williams.  Yes he was sensitive and caring and he was loved without us knowing or recognizing his suicidal tendencies. Is it a brain chemical imbalance or does society create the decision eventually?  Medications and internal spirit are my theories on survival of so many I know who keep it going.  Internal personal power?   Are u born with the tendency?   When Graham died I spent the first year trying to understand suicide.  I eventually picked up a book on very recent research about this disease (suicidal and depression are extremely different) and the children they talked about were 4 years old and up who were always thinking of ending it and suicidal.  It was a very difficult read and I don't have the book anymore but it opened my eyes on the matter!

 I was depressed when I was 21 yrs old and took antidepressants for a few months and it worked well for me but my 2 uncles struggled with depression.   So my mom was very diligent at me seeing a doctor.  My one uncle committed suicide and my other uncle struggles heavily with depression still. My 2 cousins who are older than me have recently in the past year committed suicidal deaths.  What is the difference?   Personal inner power or fortitude!   I never had suicidal thoughts when I was depressed.

Graham and Robin are like a pea and a popcorn kernel in a pod. Both reacted from their inner resources and had used up the internal fortitude.  I wished so badly for Graham to fight more and be more open with his struggles but maybe we weren't paying a more thorough enough attention either or his internal power of light was not as strong.

Robin Williams has opened the forum for depression and made it easier for me to write this post.  The suicide of this comedian tells a brief story of his comedic ways and goofiness that helped him through the tumultous adolescent years and possibly before that.  

Tom, my Tom used his magic tricks and performing in front of people to support his depression.  Tom is investigating his mood/depression issues and talking on depression forums.  He admitted a couple of months ago that he was depressed and had been for a very long time.  Tom's internal power is strong and he had got himself through and is 27 years old now.  I can't speak for him as I probably have said enough here and that is for him to process the journey he is on now.

I feel so much freer now in talking about my son Graham here even on this blog.  So thank you Robin for helping me.

if you read this through, thanks for listening!

1 comment:

Joy said...

thank you for your words from the heart. Your bravery will give hope to others.

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